In Control: Dangerous Relationships and How They End in Murder

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The clues are very often there in what the person says about themselves and maybe more importantly what other people say about them. Knowledge is power’ - This is a book any one in a relationship, considering being a relationship, or who knows someone in a relationship should read. For some people it’s definitely a bit of the good times are really good, I just want to make the good times longer and longer, overlaid with a very real fear of what will happen – that the bad person will come back with a vengeance if they tried to leave.

Knowing about and being able to recognize the patterns of coercive control can be life-changing (or in the worst case life-saving) not only for professionals but for relatives, friends, coworkers of victims or even strangers they interact with. Had I read this book or something like it years ago, it would've opened my eyes to my own, thankfully short coercive relationship. One example was Vincent’s demand that the whole family would watch his favourite soap opera at the same time, every day. I’m by no means saying that someone who is controlling will commit murder but it is still incredibly harmful for the victim and they might not even know it. The Home Office did a review of domestic abuse in 2012 and said that coercive control is the best lens through which to view it.

As a police officer who works in this area this book has revolutionized my understanding of control and abuse with tangible changes I will take away. Sadly, our children should read this too before they get too far down the track of looking for partners and relationships.

Domestic homicide is a pandemic so pervasive that the soaring figures cause weary resignation rather than alarm. But while reading this it made me think differently about four very different people, friends and those whom I crossed paths with during my life, who lived with some of the danger signs. Nothing seems to change and that's what's depressing about this book, until the police take women's concerns seriously, more women will die. When people think they’re in love, they’re totally happy for things to go really fast, and some of those relationships will be OK. I try not to generalise and I was uncomfortable initially with the author's use of statements such as "women are", "men do this", etc.The book further shows why societal changes need to happen; even in 2024 women are expected to bow and scrape to men, simply to avoid angering them and being targeted by them later.

Recognition: Narcissistic unsympathetic, relationship is developing rapidly, seen as a promise to hand over the right to harm. because controlling people, in the main, will want a rapid commitment, they may target people who they feel might give that. Such as the inability of the deceased to have a voice through their attorneys, coercive control in intimate relationships, chronic intimidation, inequalities in the sense of status and property, verbal threats. The book focuses on improving understanding of why victims behave in ways that can seem strange to the everyday person — why don’t they just leave? There is nothing wrong with the modern presumption of innocence legal process, but it is worth noting that its premise is like the contemporary judicial process, which puts the plaintiff and the defendant on an equal footing, and a premise that is insufficiently justified cannot draw a valid conclusion.You’ve got someone who’s willing and happy to have arguments and the victim will do anything to avoid arguing with this person. For example, the constant need for validation from the partner in the relationship guaranteed by the perpetrator's threat of suicide (Stage 3), and when the partner is firmly within the perpetrators grasp of control (Stage 5), there is a sudden change of behavioural pattern like no longer needing to go through the daily rituals as a couple together and even giving the controlled spouse more freedom (Stage 6) and murder/manslaughter takes place in the most violent manner - stabbing in broad daylight being one occurrence (Stage 8). The stories in the book will stay with you, and will make you rethink how these situations are dealt with, from law enforcement to family court. As a former police officer, what would you like to see the police do about domestic control and violence?