Your Guide to Better Sex

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At the same time as I was writing this blog I was also speaking at marriage conferences, and I was very much in the conservative evangelical space. And as most of you know, the rhetoric around sex is very gendered. He wants the physical side; she wants the emotional side. He’s visual; she’s not. Sexual pleasure is not defined in one certain way. Many things can bring enjoyment and satisfaction. Orgasm is an intense sexual excitement. This is one way to achieve sexual pleasure. People with penises experience orgasm when the penis becomes hard and enlarged. This occurs when there is a desire to have sex and a release of hormones in the body. Ejaculation usually occurs during orgasm. People with vulvas experience orgasm when the clitoris (and sometimes the inner and outer labia) is stimulated and becomes swollen.

Giuliano F. and J. Allard. “Dopamine and Sexual Function,” International Journal of Impotence Research (2001) 13(Suppl 3):S18. Verze, P. et al. “The Link Between Cigarette Smoking and Erectile Dysfunction: A Systematic Review,” European Urology Focus (2015) 1:39. Another thing Esther Perel recommended to me was next time you go to a party with your partner, keep your distance and observe them from afar. She explained that you become more drawn to your partner when you see them through other people’s eyes. When you’re in a long-term relationship, you’re accustomed to seeing your partner at their worst and you’re overly conscious of their bad habits. Seeing them at their best – dressed nicely, performing a little, using their best jokes – can act as an aphrodisiac. Sometimes the realisation that you would choose them all over again can reignite something, and put you in the mood for when you get home.”I have a graphic that says, ‘Old people have sex. Get over it,” says Joan Price, a 77-year-old award-winning author, public speaker, and educator specializing in senior sex. “There’s no expiration date on sexuality, but many people let it go because their bodies don’t work the way they did before. Instead, we can adapt, invent, and recreate exciting sex, and relax into it in a whole new way.” What Changed?

Communication is also critical. What feels good to you might not feel good to someone else. Talk with your partner about what you do and do not like. It can be fun to experiment to find the most enjoyable touches. Increased communication may also increase intimacy. Masturbation is another way that may help you understand the best techniques for experiencing sexual pleasure. How to have safer sex Casado-Espada NM, de Alarcón R, de la Iglesia-Larrad JI, Bote-Bonaechea B, Montejo ÁL. Hormonal Contraceptives, Female Sexual Dysfunction, and Managing Strategies: A Review. J Clin Med. 2019 Jun 25;8(6):908. This means that everyone should agree on what they are comfortable with at the beginning of the activity. If someone changes their mind or decides that they want to stop, it is very important that that person is able to say this and that it is respected. This ensures that it is a pleasurable experience for all involved. What are the different types of sex?Hurlbert, D. F., & Whittaker, K. E. (1991). The role of masturbation in marital and sexual satisfaction: A comparative study of female masturbators and nonmasturbators. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 17(4), 272-282

White, JR. et al. “Enhanced Sexual Behavior in Exercising Men,” Archives of Sexual Behavior (1990) 19:193. Body image. As you notice more wrinkles or gray hair, or become aware of love handles or cellulite, you may feel less attractive to your partner. These feelings can make sex less appealing, and can cause you to become less interested in sex.

Can I tell you a story about a book–and about me?

Someone told me the other day in the Launch Team for the new books that even though what I wrote five years ago wasn’t what I would say now, it was still better than what other people were writing five years ago, and it really helped her. And others said that they had grown with me too. That made me feel a little better, though I do wish I had gotten more of this right from the start. Anyway, just wanted to say how much I appreciate everything you do. (The Great Sex Rescue was also incredible.) Can’t wait to read the new edition of “The Good Girl’s Guide.” Reply